Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
