More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
