I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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