There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
