just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
