There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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