you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
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Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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