FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
