im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
