so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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