yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
