I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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