my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
