you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so let's talk penis.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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