Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?