If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
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i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
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You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.