I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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