Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
