Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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