I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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