as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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