also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just had sex bonerless
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
