alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
