i always forget guys have bellybuttons
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
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If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
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