I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I cockslap morals
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
His hands were made for my vagina.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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