i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
