Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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