apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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