I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
