1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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