Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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