I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Come on in and take your pants off
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