It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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