I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
