i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
