I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
