the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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