He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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