They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
