the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
