im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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