Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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