his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Then you guys just all showered together...?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
