I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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