I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
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