Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
