Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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