I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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