her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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