it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
