i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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