All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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