I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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