its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
