everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize