omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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