nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
