I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
