If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
